Writing a Great Description: A Case Study

Flipping through the recorded shows on my DVR, this description for an episode of a certain crime show caught my eye. Not because it was particularly engaging, quite the opposite. It caught my eye because it raised my hopes, utterly confused me, and then let me down with the most anticlimactic ending ever.

The original description:

“Food for Thought” - Hawkes has his date at a SoHo food festival with his girlfriend ruined when a gourmet food truck suddenly explodes in the street, causing the team must to have to sift through the debris and investigate the competitive world of food trucks.

What? Here's my version:

“Food for Thought” - Hawkes’ date with his girlfriend at a SoHo food festival is ruined when a gourmet food truck explodes in the street (1), and the team has to (2) sift through the debris and investigate the cutthroat (3) world of food trucks.

1. The original sentence was wordy and confusing. I’m assuming that Hawkes didn’t arrange for an exploding food truck to ruin his date, so saying “Hawkes has his date...ruined” doesn’t make much sense. I omitted the “suddenly”, since it seemed like an unnecessary adverb, although keeping it in wouldn’t hurt the sentence.

2. It must have been an overlooked typo (which a professional broadcasting company shouldn’t allow), but “causing the team must to have to” makes absolutely no sense. I simplified this confusing phrase into a few simple words.

3. The last part of the original sentence completely wiped out any desire I had to see the  episode. Exploding food truck, cool. Competitive world of food trucks...not so much. The use of the word “cutthroat” makes a better connection between the world of food trucks and the explosion at the festival, since it indicates that the competition is fierce, and even violent.

So, three lessons to learn from this: simplify, proofread, and always consider tone when choosing your words. Did you learn something else? Let me know!

My First Book Review - The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

Twenty-four are forced to enter. Only the winner survives.

In the ruins of a place once known as North America lies the nation of Panem, a shining Capitol surrounded by twelve outlying districts. Each year, the districts are forced by the Capitol to send one boy and one girl between the ages of twelve and eighteen to participate in the Hunger Games, a brutal and terrifying fight to the death – televised for all of Panem to see.
Survival is second nature for sixteen-year-old Katniss Everdeen, who struggles to feed her mother and younger sister by secretly hunting and gathering beyond the fences of District 12. When Katniss steps in to take the place of her sister in the Hunger Games, she knows it may be her death sentence. If she is to survive, she must weigh survival against humanity and life against love.

- From www.scholastic.com

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins is the first in the trilogy about Katniss and the world she lives in. It's received review after review, and, as far as I know, they've all been in its favor. And after finishing all three hundred and eighty-four pages in two days, I can see why.

I'd heard good things about the trilogy, and even talk of including it in future high school English curricula. So I bought the books to see what all the fuss was about. At first, I didn't have time to read them, so they sat on the edge of the Foosball table, unopened. Then, on Monday, I opened the first one.

Initially, I was unimpressed. My mind still had traces of editor-mode from my recent revisions of my upcoming novel, Project Z-29. So I may have been a little overly critical of Collins' sentence structure. It didn't help that the novel is set in first person present tense, which I generally don't care for. First person, okay, but present tense is difficult to pull off.  However, I kept reading, and two pages later I'd completely forgotten all of my criticism. Before I knew it, I was halfway through. I followed Katniss as her story wove in and out of my expectations, leading me to believe it would follow some basic "story formula", and then taking a sharp left and whirling me in a whole new direction.

Would I recommend this book. Yes. A resounding, heartfelt yes. To just about anyone over the age of thirteen. What I love about this book is its universal appeal. Amazon lists the book at "Young Adult" reading level, but I don't know if that's entirely accurate. The writing style is almost invisible in the story. People who don't like reading will find it easy to read, while people who yearn for challenging material won't be bored. No matter what your reading level, you can enjoy this book.

Also, it transcends genre. Amazon lists it under Science Fiction, Action/Adventure, and Thriller. It's also a Dystopian novel with elements of Romance, Suspense and even Fantasy. It's set in the future, in a dystopian society, and includes interesting, even unconventional fight scenes, explosions, strange creatures, high fashion, a strong, independent female protagonist, plot twists that make you do a double take, a complex love story, three-dimensional characters (including the "villains") and moral dilemmas that leave you as stumped as the characters.

If you want a book that makes you think, this is it. If you want a story that will keep you turning pages well into the night, this is it. If you want both...what are you waiting for? I challenge anyone over the age of thirteen to read this book and tell me that they didn't love it, that they didn't feel an urgent, burning need to grab the sequel and dive in.

Notice, I say over the age of thirteen. The reason? Violence. Boys and girls between the ages of twelve and eighteen are forced to kill each other. Readers have to be able to handle that.  If they can, this book is for them, no matter what their reading level is or what genre they prefer. This book is truly for everyone. It's become my favorite, displacing even the Harry Potter series. And that's saying something.

But, in the words of LeVar Burton, "you don't have to take my word for it". Here's the link to buy it on Amazon in either paperback, hardcover, and Kindle format. Also, you can buy the trilogy box set. I recommend this, because even with Amazon Prime's two-day shipping, you won't be able to get your hands on the second book fast enough. If you get the box set, you'll have the second and third waiting for the moment you reach page three hundred and eighty four and you're dying to know what happens next.

Next week's review? Catching Fire, the second  book in the trilogy, which I'm currently reading and will probably finish by the end of tomorrow. So far, so good.

Guess Who's an Amazon Associate!

I set up my Amazon Associates account, so my blog is officially "monetized"! But even cooler is what this means for my Kindle books. If you buy them through my Associates link, I get an even bigger percent of the proceeds! Coolness! And it's still the same lower-than-lulu.com price for you, so it's a win-win!

Here are my two short story ebooks, now with my Associates link!



Twelfth Street: A Short Story

Jadzia is a drummer. She travels the streets of New York City performing for tips, sleeps on the subway, and buys her meals from the street vendors. One day she meets Audrey, a young woman who is completely dependent on her boyfriend, Richard, for food and shelter. When Jadzia discovers Richard's true personality, she knows she has to help free Audrey from his control.








Thoughts: A Short Story

Alice just wanted to take a study break. So she put down her homework, closed her eyes, and cleared her mind...and found herself in a strange world completely defined by thought. She meets Tyrone, and with his help she discovers this new reality. Here her values and ideas of “normalcy” will be challenged, and perhaps forever changed.




 
 And guess what else! The more I sell through Amazon Associates, the higher my "referral rate", or the percentage of proceeds that I get, is. If I sell seven items, it goes from 4% to 6%! I already get 35% in royalties from my books, so now if you buy one through these links I get 39% instead. I'll also do some book reviews on this blog, maybe one a week, and have the link to the Amazon page. 

USTREAM - My New Favorite Website Of All Time

This is the best website ever. It's all online video streaming. Ignore all the other categories and click Pets & Animals (which is weird, because the majority of pets ARE animals...). Adorable live streams of puppies, kittens, eaglets, you name it. As we speak, I'm watching these little darlings:

Come on. If those aren't the cutest things ever, I'm a walrus. Click the picture to watch them. Turn the sound up for maximum cuteness, because their mewing is absolutely adorable.
Of course, I should be getting my research paper done... *sigh* But aren't they cute?

Deadly Notes

If you follow me on twitter (which you should - @kyoung246), then you've (hopefully) heard about my short film, Deadly Notes. If you haven't, you will now!

Deadly Notes is a short film that I wrote several months ago about a young artist and small business owner named Tanya, an FBI agent, and the serial killer who leads everyone on a wild, terrifying roller coaster of mind games and manipulation.

I want to produce it independently this summer through my production company, KAYfilms. I plan to make it the best I possibly can on what is really a very low budget of $4,000. However, I don't currently have $4,000. So, when I discovered Kickstarter, I knew it would be the best way to raise the money I need.

How does Kickstarter work? Basically, anyone can set up a project, although Kickstarter has to approve it within their guidelines. You set up your project, including the rewards that you want to offer at each level of contribution ($1, $5, $10, and so on). Then, people who think your project and your rewards are cool and have a few dollars to spare contribute!

Theoretically. Unfortunately, I've had a bit more trouble than most in getting contributions for my project. Kickstarter is all-or-nothing, so if you don't reach your goal in time, no one's credit cards get charged and you don't get any of the money. So I'll either have a $4,000 budget or none at all.

That's where you come in. I only have 18 days to go, and I've only gotten $5 in contributions. The problem is that people see my tweets asking them to help and think "Oh, it's okay. Someone else will contribute, she doesn't need me". At this point, that's simply not true. If every single one of my Twitter followers gave $5, that would get us $560, which is only 14% of the goal. So not only do I need contributions from anyone and everyone, but I need the power of social networking to spread the word and get even more people involved! If you're reading this, I need you. Yes, you. I need help from every single person who reads this post, or the film won't happen.

If you really don't have the money to spare, I understand. Do your part by spreading the word to people who can contribute. If you, for whatever reason, don't want to contribute through Kickstarter, consider buying one of my ebooks. Proceeds from those will support the film. Even if Kickstarter funding fails, I can use those proceeds to make something of the project, even if it's not what I wanted it to be.

By supporting this film, you're also supporting the Austin independent film community. This film will provide local actors with experience that they can put on their résumé, clips for their demo reels, as well as recognition that can help them land roles in bigger and better films. Same goes for the crew, the light, sound, and camera guys (and gals) who also want to work on bigger and better projects. They can include this film on their résumés, making it possible for them to keep climbing the ladder and eventually reach their goals.

I need your help. Click here for more information about the project, and here if you're ready to contribute. Help me make this dream come true.

Creepiness...

Ok, this kinda creeped me out. I knew it was there, I saw my brother set it down earlier. But you look me in the eye and tell me that you wouldn't be creeped out if you opened your door and saw this:

It was just standing there, staring at me. Creepy. Stuffed animals shouldn't stand.

Best April Fool's Day EVER.

Yesterday was THE best April Fool's Day EVER in the entire history of pulling pranks on people.

Two years ago, my mom and I told people we were moving to Ireland. It worked pretty well, and we got some good laughs out of the people who believed us.

But this year was so, so much better.

I planned it out ahead of time, and got two of my least gullible friends (who I couldn't have fooled anyway) to play along. Then, yesterday morning,  I posted this on Facebook:

"Exciting news!!!
While I was in LA for college visits, I auditioned for a TV role. I didn't say anything because it was a long shot, but...I got the part!! And it's on House!!!! They're replacing Masters (Cameron 2.0) with a much cooler character, and I'm going to play her!! They emailed me last night and I got it this morning. I'll be leaving for LA a little earlier in the summer to go film, right after the Higher Things conference in July. This is it guys!!! (Oh, and did I mention it comes with a paycheck?)"

Not only did people believe me, but many of them kept believing me even AFTER they realized it was April Fool's Day. Except for one person (who nearly ruined the whole thing!), everyone believed it for at least a minute or two. Some, the rest of the day until I told them. 

The expressions and reactions were priceless. I told people that I'd met the cast and done a scene with them so the casting director could see how I worked with people, and my oh-so-gullible friends ate it up. When I told my Physics teacher, not only did she believe me, but she called her husband to tell him!

At the end of the school day, one of my friends who had figured it out and was playing along told everyone via the end-of-the-day announcements. I walked out into the hall after 8th period, and it was like being a celebrity. People were congratulating me, underclassmen who didn't know me were whispering "Is that her?". It was epic.

The best part, though, was telling people that it was a prank. I only got to see one person's reaction, as the rest were over Facebook, but that one reaction was worth all the work I'd put into the prank all day.

Only problem: how the heck am I going to top this next year?

 

Hi There!

Hey everyone! For you new people, welcome! For those of you who've been following me on Tumblr and are now switching over, thanks and welcome back!

This is my blog (if you couldn't tell). I write things here. I'll post about my writing (including when things get published and where to find them), my acting (including roles I get and projects I'm working on), and other randomness!

More about me:

As well as my many interests, such as writing and acting and photography, I'm also a high school (soon to be college) student. This is my Senior year and it's ALMOST OVER! *Confetti* *streamers* *cheering* This fall I'll be attending Concordia University in Irvine, CA. That's right, California. And before you start singing, you should know I'm already a California Girl, have been since I was three (I moved there at age three, moved away right before turning nine). So really I'm just going back. It's gonna be all kinds of epic.

On the topic of moving, here's my brief history of places I've lived:
Ages 0-3: Iowa and Illinois
Ages 3-8: California (San Jose area)
Ages 8-13: Washington State
Ages 13-Now: Texas

And before you ask, my closest military family member is my uncle.

So this is my blog. Hope you enjoy!