Flipping through the recorded shows on my DVR, this description for an episode of a certain crime show caught my eye. Not because it was particularly engaging, quite the opposite. It caught my eye because it raised my hopes, utterly confused me, and then let me down with the most anticlimactic ending ever.
The original description:
“Food for Thought” - Hawkes has his date at a SoHo food festival with his girlfriend ruined when a gourmet food truck suddenly explodes in the street, causing the team must to have to sift through the debris and investigate the competitive world of food trucks.
What? Here's my version:
“Food for Thought” - Hawkes’ date with his girlfriend at a SoHo food festival is ruined when a gourmet food truck explodes in the street (1), and the team has to (2) sift through the debris and investigate the cutthroat (3) world of food trucks.
1. The original sentence was wordy and confusing. I’m assuming that Hawkes didn’t arrange for an exploding food truck to ruin his date, so saying “Hawkes has his date...ruined” doesn’t make much sense. I omitted the “suddenly”, since it seemed like an unnecessary adverb, although keeping it in wouldn’t hurt the sentence.
2. It must have been an overlooked typo (which a professional broadcasting company shouldn’t allow), but “causing the team must to have to” makes absolutely no sense. I simplified this confusing phrase into a few simple words.
3. The last part of the original sentence completely wiped out any desire I had to see the episode. Exploding food truck, cool. Competitive world of food trucks...not so much. The use of the word “cutthroat” makes a better connection between the world of food trucks and the explosion at the festival, since it indicates that the competition is fierce, and even violent.
So, three lessons to learn from this: simplify, proofread, and always consider tone when choosing your words. Did you learn something else? Let me know!
The original description:
“Food for Thought” - Hawkes has his date at a SoHo food festival with his girlfriend ruined when a gourmet food truck suddenly explodes in the street, causing the team must to have to sift through the debris and investigate the competitive world of food trucks.
What? Here's my version:
“Food for Thought” - Hawkes’ date with his girlfriend at a SoHo food festival is ruined when a gourmet food truck explodes in the street (1), and the team has to (2) sift through the debris and investigate the cutthroat (3) world of food trucks.
1. The original sentence was wordy and confusing. I’m assuming that Hawkes didn’t arrange for an exploding food truck to ruin his date, so saying “Hawkes has his date...ruined” doesn’t make much sense. I omitted the “suddenly”, since it seemed like an unnecessary adverb, although keeping it in wouldn’t hurt the sentence.
2. It must have been an overlooked typo (which a professional broadcasting company shouldn’t allow), but “causing the team must to have to” makes absolutely no sense. I simplified this confusing phrase into a few simple words.
3. The last part of the original sentence completely wiped out any desire I had to see the episode. Exploding food truck, cool. Competitive world of food trucks...not so much. The use of the word “cutthroat” makes a better connection between the world of food trucks and the explosion at the festival, since it indicates that the competition is fierce, and even violent.
So, three lessons to learn from this: simplify, proofread, and always consider tone when choosing your words. Did you learn something else? Let me know!
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